oh thursday

thanks to being sick, I haven't worked at all this week (in fact, not in the past two weeks either thanks to spring breaaaaaaaak), so I feel like it's monday. when it hit me, a couple of hours after waking up, that it was actually thursday, it was surreal. so yes, it's thursday. after this week, I have two consecutive fridays off. I wish I'd just get paid for being entertaining on social media sites instead of like...having to go to work and pretend to be a contributing member of society.

heehee...member.

so I've been thinking about this lately: every female I've ever known who has a high, somewhat protruding forehead (aka a fivehead at best) is Fucking Crazy. seriously. fine people to be friends with, but turn into demanding, controlling, weird bitches in relationships or dating situations (not immediately though). acting that way to the dudes they're with, that is. am I alone here? there's such a thing as face reading, and apparently certain physical characteristics are flags for personality characteristcs. that's just been my observation with the foreheads. it's shockingly consistent.

also, speaking of which, I'm SOOOO tired of otherwise perfectly nice, sane dudes saying they don't want drama, etc, staying with crazy bitches. what is WRONG with you guys? at least don't lie about not wanting drama, because clearly you do if you're staying with someone you have to lie to to keep the peace.

so yeah...thoughts?

sore. oh gawd, so sore.

so my yoga pass ran out, and I had to go for a week without class (and I keep getting distracted by everything so I haven't been doing home practice, SHAME ON ME). I took one of the advanced classes as soon as I could get back on the mat.

and it felt AWESOME.

I did everything, I balanced solidly in tree pose, I never skipped a single vinyasa, my downward dogs were never replaced by child's pose, upward dogs never replaced by cobra, chattarunga done chest first and all.

and now...WHOA, am I sore! this is day two of insane soreness. lifting my arms sucks! I didn't even go to class last night because of it. stupid muscle memory.

I have a burlesque show to go to tonight that I don't even want to go to now. between a (likely sugar induced) headache, upset stomach, and overall stress about a thuperfancy cake I need to make this weekend, I'm just not on board. oh well. maybe I can talk a sister or two into going to this place for burgers this weekend where they'll make your burger on lettuce instead of a bun. that's fun, right?

random thoughts. na na...

...na naa na naa na naa HEY! na na na na!

if you don't get that, you're either not canadian, not a hockey fan, or not a canadian hockey fan.

suckery: horsefaced, homely chicks who think they're hot. I'm just saying.

rulery: dudes who like to make out.

I'm still issue wrestling. I had a session with my therapist two weeks ago. TWO WEEKS, it feels like 2 months. anyway, we looked a bit at my tendency to push people away. horribly, it felt like just surface scratching, which = more work. I should look at my tendency to flounder, but I think that's a symptom not a thing in and of itself. who thinks too much? ME. that's who.

the best thing that's happened all weekend so far is the awesome flossing I just did. no, that's not a euphemism, I genuinely like flossing my teeth. pretty depressing, really. hah!

sometimes when a yoga teacher says to be "as relaxed as humanly possible", my mind responds "I can only be that relaxed post-orgasm, and while this class is great, it's not THAT great."

HELLO...hello...hello...

*crickets*

I'm computerless at the moment and blogging on an iphone pretty much sucks the bag. yet I have no problem texting at great length, I can't muster a blog post. I am disappoint.

also, not much news right now, I've been hermiting it up pretty good and trying to deal with some issues I've been ignoring for years, so that's always fun. and by always, I mean NEVER. like, enough already, stupid brain, stop. please. not every guy is going to be an unrepentant player manwhore like your brother (amazing his influence was stronger than my dad, who was a super loyal, super smart, really nice guy. oddly, the ones I like DO tend to be tall, dark haired, and blue eyed like my dad was. and super smart), most people tend to find you more attractive than you think you are (though I'll argue with them, smrt), and things WON'T always end in agony. see? issues. hell, I wouldn't date me right now either.

other than yoga, not much is new. so glad to be back to it, I missed it terribly, and its bodily effects are awesome.

anyhoo...what's news with you?

oh HI cleanse!

so, as previously and somewhat embarassingly mentioned, I've been a stressbag as of late. I was in a vitamin store and saw a cleanse to reduce stress/cortisol, and thought "hell yes, that's for me", and bought it. fully intending to eat better while on it.

breakfast was right on track. then enter lunch.

let me say this: I don't dig the olive garden. it's expensive for what it is, there are virtually no grain-free options that don't involve salad (that I saw, anyway, but what do I expect from an italian place?), and the best thing is those goddamn breadsticks. anyway, pasta and breadsticks later, I rolled out of there feeling like I could nap for about a year. gross. I still took the cleanse supplements though.

anyway...hopefully day 2 will be more of a success.

ALSO...I saw alice in chains with the deftones and mastodon this past week. OUTSTANDING show. AIC's set in the spring was a bit better, though they played we die young this time, and I love that song. deftones stole the show. mastadon was face-meltingly awesome. overall, very much concerty goodness.

the next night, I saw the devin townsend project. all I can say is WOW. he's as amazing live as ever, makes the most crazy faces ever on stage, and has an incredible voice. the show was AMAZING. if you have the opportunity to see him, SEE HIM. beg, borrow, or steal.

ugh, seriously?

generally, I get depressed in the fall. I'm not sure if it's from the weather change/lack of daylight, or because my dad died (horribly traumatically for me, of course) in the fall and my brain just runs with it, or what. but it does happen yearly. usually I feel ok again mid winter, spring comes and I feel better, then it lifts more or less.

this past year, it didn't lift. not the way it usually does.

anyway, I've been trying to just kind of sit with it and not analyze it (HAHAHA, it's impossible for me not to get all analytical), and the only conclusions I've come to are that:

a. it SUCKS
b. sitting with it makes me feel even more disconnected and alienated from everyone
c. sitting with it doesn't make it better
d. sitting with it doesn't really make it worse
e. I need to go back to my counselor the moment I can afford it
f. I HAVE to figure out something independent to do for work
g. it SUCKS

sitting with a real feeling of not belonging ANYWHERE or with ANYONE is strange. strangeness underlined when old friends find you on facebook and are like "you look like you're really happy and enjoying life!" well...nobody posts pics of themselves looking as depressed as they feel unless they're going for a, an undue amount of attention, or b, they don't care if people think they're crazy moody. I figure, tough snot for me, why should I heap my bad mood on the world at large (except for written form, HAAAA)?

the work thing is bugging me out too. the HR manager, when I left my position as HR secretary (a job that was so unsuited to me that nobody could figure out how I was able to stay in it for as long as I did), said to me "you really need to be doing something creative." OH THANKS. she's right, 100%, but that's totally unhelpful advice. I have NO idea what to do. I'm ok at a lot of things, but not super awesome (in my opinion) at any of it. the job I'm in now is a zillion times better, I enjoy it most of the time, the location constantly changes so I can't get TOO bored, and I love that I'm around children a lot at my job. they're hilarious. but it's still tedious and stupid at times. and I'm just not like the other secretaries...I don't dress like them, my hair refuses to be neat, sweater sets make me want to cry, yogurt makes me feel sick, I think low-fat eating ruined my hormonal levels as a young teen and want nothing to do with it now, I don't have my own kids, I don't ever think about my fiber intake, and if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't converse about it with coworkers in the staff room. etc. ad nauseum. it's not like they're not nice ladies, they're pretty uniformly great, sweet people, but I've only really come across one that I felt any kinship with. she's a sarcastic pottymouth too, and working with her was awesome.

but I digress.

so yeah...that's where I'm at. this shit has overshadowed conversations, concerts, visits, weddings, and life in general. maybe antidepressants wouldn't be the worst thing in the world in the short-term. because going a year without any extended periods of feeling like myself has left me not even sure what feeling like myself even feels like at all. except I'm too sensitive thanks to all this crap, and I hate it.

no more emo posts again for awhile. I kind of promise.