ugh, seriously?

generally, I get depressed in the fall. I'm not sure if it's from the weather change/lack of daylight, or because my dad died (horribly traumatically for me, of course) in the fall and my brain just runs with it, or what. but it does happen yearly. usually I feel ok again mid winter, spring comes and I feel better, then it lifts more or less.

this past year, it didn't lift. not the way it usually does.

anyway, I've been trying to just kind of sit with it and not analyze it (HAHAHA, it's impossible for me not to get all analytical), and the only conclusions I've come to are that:

a. it SUCKS
b. sitting with it makes me feel even more disconnected and alienated from everyone
c. sitting with it doesn't make it better
d. sitting with it doesn't really make it worse
e. I need to go back to my counselor the moment I can afford it
f. I HAVE to figure out something independent to do for work
g. it SUCKS

sitting with a real feeling of not belonging ANYWHERE or with ANYONE is strange. strangeness underlined when old friends find you on facebook and are like "you look like you're really happy and enjoying life!" well...nobody posts pics of themselves looking as depressed as they feel unless they're going for a, an undue amount of attention, or b, they don't care if people think they're crazy moody. I figure, tough snot for me, why should I heap my bad mood on the world at large (except for written form, HAAAA)?

the work thing is bugging me out too. the HR manager, when I left my position as HR secretary (a job that was so unsuited to me that nobody could figure out how I was able to stay in it for as long as I did), said to me "you really need to be doing something creative." OH THANKS. she's right, 100%, but that's totally unhelpful advice. I have NO idea what to do. I'm ok at a lot of things, but not super awesome (in my opinion) at any of it. the job I'm in now is a zillion times better, I enjoy it most of the time, the location constantly changes so I can't get TOO bored, and I love that I'm around children a lot at my job. they're hilarious. but it's still tedious and stupid at times. and I'm just not like the other secretaries...I don't dress like them, my hair refuses to be neat, sweater sets make me want to cry, yogurt makes me feel sick, I think low-fat eating ruined my hormonal levels as a young teen and want nothing to do with it now, I don't have my own kids, I don't ever think about my fiber intake, and if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't converse about it with coworkers in the staff room. etc. ad nauseum. it's not like they're not nice ladies, they're pretty uniformly great, sweet people, but I've only really come across one that I felt any kinship with. she's a sarcastic pottymouth too, and working with her was awesome.

but I digress.

so yeah...that's where I'm at. this shit has overshadowed conversations, concerts, visits, weddings, and life in general. maybe antidepressants wouldn't be the worst thing in the world in the short-term. because going a year without any extended periods of feeling like myself has left me not even sure what feeling like myself even feels like at all. except I'm too sensitive thanks to all this crap, and I hate it.

no more emo posts again for awhile. I kind of promise.